[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.