Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
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Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Don鈥檛 be sad about being single on Valentine鈥檚 Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don鈥檛 know they鈥檙e also single
Real terror is the moment when you realize you鈥檙e about to sneeze with sore abs
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I鈥檓 right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That鈥檚 not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 饾槫饾槶饾槮饾槩饾槼饾槶饾樅 adhering to the volume guidelines
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Bartender: I鈥檓 cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she鈥檚 still 35 today