Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day