Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

For the ones in the back.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

*me flirting

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

I’m crying im so happy for them

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

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The Chosen Phew

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today