Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak![]()
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Always this one for me forever
rip to my favourite tweet
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”