Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

this has done me in for some reason

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

i prefer mine room temperature.

My dad teaching me to drive

This has made my week.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M