Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.