Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
A family that plays together cheats.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?