@girl_a_whirl

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

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@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

@Carbosly

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

@BlackJerms

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

@WilliamRodgers

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

@AlexvanBeek

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

@polyxendi

A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.

@mrjohndarby

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

@_NinJar

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN