Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN