Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

guilty

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂