Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

back to work

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel