Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

The most accurate map ever devised.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap