Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

sry

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive