Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Owl Sanctuary

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?