Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.