Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

When someone says you are so lazy

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass