*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.