Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.