Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

me and my fake scenarios

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”