Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*