Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.