Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*