*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
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I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Now who done made this a sport lmao
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees