Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Voting is the worst group project