Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

How to woo a woman

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Had to try this trend 😊

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.