Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

That’s no pocket rocket.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he