Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.