Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u