Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice