Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex