Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I hate my earbuds.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.