Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.