Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *