Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Body by sandwich.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

me working on my assignments ^-^

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit