BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
