Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Florida be like…