*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Saw online –
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it