*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I’m Sold!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
THE DOG😭😭💀