*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Its true…
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years