*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
You Might Also Like
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
