Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

What.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability