BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.