Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Not messing around

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business