Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

weaknesses

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.