Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

The happy life.. 😊

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.