Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.