Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
