Batman v Dracula
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
You got this…
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
being a writer on Twitter:
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m about to risk it all
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*pronounces surface like Versace*
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”