Batman v Dracula
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they鈥檙e all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you鈥檝e lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn鈥檛 possibly understand.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’m not stressed
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Unexpected Judgment
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I know this now 馃槀
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what鈥檚 the good news
doc: you won鈥檛 need it for long
6: are snakes just neck?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.