Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right