Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

What happened to the other hiker??!

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.