Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.