[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
You Might Also Like
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Dishonest mechanic?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
a McRib killed my tapeworm
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Check out the legs on this baby
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”