*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader