Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Hear me out: WrestleVania

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit