Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…