*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
The Punning Dead.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen