Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!