Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay