Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”