Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.