Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

I basically called this earlier today

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.