Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

my retirement plan is braless

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

Super Hand Dog Face

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.