Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t