batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
