batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
hey, alexa
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
