batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
