Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun