Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?