Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

i want to work in this restaurant

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.