Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

bought wrong eggs

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Ovenable?

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry