Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

his wife is probably gonna see that

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Mountain Goat : )

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

what’s more important?

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

2022 will be better than 2021

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.