Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids