Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.
You Might Also Like
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys
M: I have what they call animal magnetism.
H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?
M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please