Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!