Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

◾️

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.