Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Perfect
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Why is this me 😫
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
She: I like Cats
He:
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*