Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.