[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
scared to check what name she chose
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.